Watcha Waitin For?

It's 4 AM and I should be sleeping, christ, I have a job interview at 9:30 AM tomorrow today.

I haven't updated, especially not a proper update, in god knows how long.

I simply haven't known what to write, other than 'stupid whiny self pitying the world is going to end' negative bullshit.

I am here, and I am alive, all is well. I've been spending my time staying up all night until 4, 5, or 6 AM, only to sleep the next day until anywhere from 2-5pm. I've been watching way too much ShowCase and CBC Newsworld, playing too much unreal tournament, and eating, well, only when Jim comes by and takes me out to dinner. I don't want to bitch about money, but cash is running low, so I'm playing it conservative, and already am starting to worry about rent for February.

I've been hiding from my parents, who I still haven't told I got fired yet, because they keep calling me and asking me for money to pay my cell phone bill, and for some reason I can't bring myself to tell them that I just don't have it.

As negative and stupid as all of this sounds, I am seriously ok.

The snow is awesome and beautiful, and long walks in the middle of the night have helped to put air in my lungs and my mind at ease. Hot baths have been helpful as always... I've taken to all my old crutches comforts, chocolate, my heating pad, my rattered and tattered old snoopy blanket (love), downloading tons of music, excessive masturbation, and fantasies of having things actually work out this time.

And, you know. Maybe they will. Maybe I will get a great job that even my parents aren't ashamed of. You knwo the one, the one at a reputable company, a decent position with more than decent pay, real room for career growth, not just the usual empty promises that seem to ensure only the smarmiest jackasses manage to get anywhere, while the real brains waste time on MSN.

Like Jim said tonight, Hapiness could be just around the next corner, who knows? You could love what you are doing next, the next few months could be the happiest time of your life!. Maybe so. Or maybe I'll end up in another job, working for another evil company, worried only about the bottom line, with no real care for the people who give up most of their time and energy and happiness in order for that bottom line to exsist.

I could do things differently I suppose. Be the type of person who 'makes life happen' rather than 'letting life happen'. I could get off my ass and do that volunteering for the Red Cross that I've been talking about for years. I could find a way, great job or not, to miraculously save up cash while also getting out of debt and also paying for p/t courses so that I could actually do something that I love (which I suppose, would require finding out what I love before hand). I could clean my house, floors, laundry, and bathroom included, and get rid of this perpetual literal mess that I live with, constantly contributing to the metaphorical mess inside my brain.

I told Jim tonight, Look at us. Both of us. We both talk the talk. Neither of us walk the walk. I'm sick of being jealous of those people, the ones with the swagger. The ones who aren't just walking, they're walking the walk. The ones who smile, not like me, not for no reason. The ones don't smile just because, but the ones who actually smile because.

I watched 'Reality Bites' with Jim on New Year's Eve, just after midnight, and dear god, I hope that movie isn't foreshadowing what this year will be like. I feel like constantly I'm either part of this Gen-X thing, this hate for the rules of society, how money makes the world go round, the generation of people who really wanted to "Make a Difference" but understood the enevitable realism of working at The Gap, but hated everything nonetheless. The Generation that produced all these cynics people like Trey Parker and Matt Stone. If I'm not part of that, then I feel like a stupid suburban all star. The kid with the potential, working up the corporate ladder, looking to get married, settle down, and have the perfect life, doing everything as I should, the way my life was planned out, long before I was.

Here I am, bitching and whining again. Maybe that's why I've been hiding so much. The bitching, the whining, enough of that goes on in my brain and in my life for me to want to write about it and have people comment on how great or not great it is, or on how they completely understand or wish they could understand.

I guess I'm just looking for honesty.

Which really, seems to be the ongoing theme in my life. It's like the complex puzzle preventing me from prevailing and moving on to the next level, this stupid need to find a piece of honesty. Probably, it will end up that I've been looking for it in all the wrong places, that one day I will wake up and realise that the honesty I've been looking for requires me looking inside myself, it's been there all along. One day I will write about it here, in livejournal, about how I've had a break through and OMFG how could I not have seen it, I've actually found what I've been looking for, I'm so much at peace.

I tried to open up to Jim about tonight, about how I don't understand why there is such a huge lack of honesty, especially in my life, but how do you talk to about things like trust and betrayal and truth to the someone who has forsaken you more than maybe anyone else? I know that these issues with him are not ongoing and I don't have any anger towards him now, but I can hardly expect him to understand fully listen when everything I have to say will probably only serve to make him feel awful.

I don't know. Maybe all the answers are just sitting right here, in this entry, between these black and white lines (which by now, are looking kind of blurry, as everything manages to at 4:33), and I just can't see it. It's like when you look at one of those pictures they have in psychology textbooks and self help books. The one with the picture, and when some people look at it they see an old lady, and when others look at it they see a young girl. If all you see is the old lady, it's really hard to get your brain to make those same black markings on the paper a young girl. When you finally do see it, you feel kind of stupid. LIke it was so obvious, all along.

Maybe that's what I'm most afraid of.
The moment when I see all the truth in everything, when I find whatever it is I'm looking for, experiencing that moment of stupidity, and then inevitably realising how much time I've wasted staring at the old lady, when really, there's been a beautiful young girl there, all along.

Can Anybody Find A Home?

Life has slowly been climbing uphill for the past three months, since leaving the world of UrbanFlorist and all that negativity.

Working for Plenteus.com - the small amount I've accomplished for them in the past week, has been more fulfilling than anything I've done in the last year. Since meeting Tom for coffee a week ago I've made arrangements to distribute their postcards in Joe's new magazine for 10 cents/copy, and score them an article in Business Edge magazine while attempting to make sales pitches to event planners.

In the past week I've made amends with Dave, Brian, and Lynne, removing a large sorce of sadness from my life, and finally removing the last peice of negative energy UrbanFlorist had in my life.

I've We've started making love again. Started crying again, from being overwhelmed, from being touched inside. Started kissing, slowly, started tasting skin again, started enjoying the getting there so much more than the end result.

He called me the ultimate unconditional lover, and thanked me for all the patience, all the standing by, all the silent understanding. He spent a night, slowly, kissing me, softly all over, repeating that he loves me, saying those words for the first time in... at least a year, tears in his eyes, just repeating the words and kissing me. I opened my mouth to reciprocate and he told me no, that he wants to feel he's earned his trust back before I say those words, he says he wants to have a chance to prove his sincerity to me before I let myself get there again.

I never gave up on our love, I never let myself walk away. Despite all thats happened and all he's done and all we've been through, I never fell out of love, and I've always known who he is and understood that these phases we go through and depressions we suffer aren't who we are and cause us to act out in ways that we can't explain and aren't proud of. I know that in life, the things we do aren't always a reflection of who we are.

I feel so overwhelmed and inspired and at peace with the world, everything in my world is so positive, so encouraging, so worth all the work I've done and all the bullshit and despair I've put up with over the past year.

I feel I must interject here...

Ok I have been a reclusive silly homeboy for the past year or so, which is even sillier considering I moved to near the drive just this past August. I have lame issues when it comes to getting off my ass and being sociable, doing things, meeting people, when I'm not with my boyfriend and his friends. Lame, yes.

I know there is stuff that goes on in this city that is really fucking cool. I want to get out and meet people, get into the local scene again (last time I went to a punk house show was probably in 2002), meet local people, and start to get really fucking hip and pretentious like so many scenesters are (fuck, yes). I want to meet cyber punkers and techno kids, multi media addicts, electronic music creaters, modern day poets, geeks, dorks, quiet people who like to stay in the background, and the guy who walks into the room and everyone knows at all the local shows.

I NEED NEED NEED... someone who will go with me to this stuff, someone who will msn me or call me day of and kick my ass and arrange times to meet and who will realise that I am totally cool but just really weird about leaving my house.

I don't know what it is, I have this issue with being alone with myself in the outside world, and I'm not even sure what the issue is, it's not any real fear or anxiety I can put my finger on. I go out and spend time with myself, and I actually enjoy myself the time that I am able to do it, like tonight, walking in the dark under a black and sparkling sky, drinking my peppermint mocha and listening to Noam Chomsky on my discman. It was great and wonderful, but it will take me hours of sitting at home and talking myself into it to get up the courage to do it again anytime soon.

Oh how I miss your ranting... Do you miss my all time lows?

This is why I don't go out by myself and be social very much.

I hate the commute, home, alone. No, it's not that I want to go home with anybody, or that I want anybody coming home with me. It's just that... there is something kind of sad in a lingering lonely way about taking the bus home from downtown alone and intoxicated, looking out the windows into the city, alone with my intoxicated thoughts. Even a discman isn't enough distraction.

The night was fun enough, went to Yuk Yuk's with people from work, hanging out with people that I probably wouldn't have ever a chance to say hello to if I hadn't planned the night. Had a few drinks on someone else's tab, spent about half an hour in a donut shop alone with a guy I work with and have a bit of a stupid crush on. He's gotta be at least 30 and not even slightly interested in me, but he's halarious and good looking and responsible... and.

And then I stumbled to the bus stop, phoned Jim who was still awake but drinking NeoCitron and watching South Park and therefore not exactly chatty, so I was left alone, with the city, the darkness, and my thoughts. I hate how when I'm that drunk and alone, listening to music, everythign seems like the tragic backdrop, all too fitting, to a remarkably unremarkable life. The pieces fall together too easily, yet they leave so many gaps.

So here I am, drunk, not really sad, but not exactly happy. Wishing I had someone here, someone to stay all night talking to, someone to relate to and tell my stories to, someone who would tell me theirs. I want to feel like everything is new, like listening to a great song for the first time. I want to be engaged in someone, intrigued by someone, and them me. I just really don't want to curl up in my bed alone, again tonight, feeling so distant from everyone in my world.